Goal Number One

No more procrastinating.  I need to lose Ten Pounds.  I think I’m going to have to blame my husband for this ten-pound dilemma.  Before I met him, I was fitting into my skinny jeans.  After I met him, they no longer fit. Hmmmm.  There’s no coincidence there.  Even though I just had my baby six months ago, I’m pretty much back to my pre-pregnancy weight, so I really can’t blame my weight issue on the pregnancy anymore.  It was a great excuse, however.  This fat ass?  This wide load I’m carrying?  Yup, just popped a baby out.  Belly fat?  You guessed it.  Just had a baby.

Now this pre-pregnancy weight, which is where I’m at now, is certainly not my pre-Vincent (husband) weight.  We often joke about my pre-Vincent weight.  I suppose once you get comfortable in a relationship, those ten pounds just kind of creep up on you.  Except for my husband.  His ego has gotten bigger, but certainly not his waistline.  He’s been 162 pounds since 1985.  Not fair. In fact he just asked me about a month ago if I was ever going to fit back into those pre-Vincent jeans.  Not funny.  Not laughing.    

So before I even got pregnant with little Jake, I wasn’t completely satisfied with how much I weighed.  Even back then, I had two piles of jeans–those that sadly didn’t fit anymore (due to dinners out and too much drink), and those that I could get into, but would have to wear a baggy top to conceal the rolls that would roll over the jeans.  God, those rolls.  There’s nothing more disturbing than being able to grab a handful of flesh.  Seriously. 

But why is it that back in the day- oh, back in the real day, when I was fifteen pounds lighter than what I weigh now, I still wanted to lose those ten pounds? Ever since I can remember I wanted to lose ten pounds.  I think I was on a perpetual diet for most of my life.  I would lose the weight, then gain it back again, to only obsess about losing it again.  And when I would gain the weight back again, oh the guilt that I would feel, which would propel me into going on an eating binge – The Farewell to Fat Tour, I would call it, to only begin the crazy cycle all over again.  I’m exhausted just thinking about my relationship with food.

I think I’m on to something here. 

 I’m beginning to think that no matter what I weigh, I want to lose weight.  Could this mean that I’m just never satisfied with myself? 

 Or maybe I have this whole self-loathing thing going on.  Maybe I’ve made meaning out of being skinny.  If I have the body of a supermodel then I will be fabulous and good.  If I don’t have that body, I’m not good.

Maybe the reason why I can’t keep the weight off is because I wouldn’t know how to handle looking and feeling good about myself.  Maybe deep down I feel like I’m not worthy of feeling good.  Sounds like a deep-rooted psychological issue to me.  I’m not going to go digging too deep now.  It’s not even noon yet.  Let’s not uncover childhood issues.  I have too much other shit to deal with.

 What I’m tired of:

1-   I’m tired of my husband having a smaller, cuter ass than me.

2-   I’m tired of my rolls.  I am not a bakery.

3-   I’m tired of not fitting comfortably into my clothes

4-   Because of aforementioned, I’m tired of not having anything to wear.

5-   Any special event, which involves wearing a dress, stresses me out, which ultimately leads to a Farewell to Fat Reunion Tour.

 

Before I go any further, let’s talk about resolutions, goals and to-do lists.  The article I keep referring to,how to design your ideal life, talks about why these things usually don’t work for us.  A lot of it is common sense, but it made me realize that I need to approach goal setting a bit differently.

I need to get specific with my goals.  I made the resolution to lose weight this year. I realized that this goal is too vague.  If I’m not specific, how can I really succeed?  There’s no plan.  I should be asking myself how much weight I want to lose, by when, and how many pounds a week does it come out to?

Now I need to ask myself the question why.  Why do I want to lose the weight?  Why is it important to me?  Have I ever really asked myself this question and been totally honest with myself?  And what is my plan of attack?  How am I going to realistically achieve this?

I need to write this all out.  In my experience, when I write things down, I get a clear picture in my head of what I am doing (and not doing).

The article also made me look at my never ending to-do list.  It’s very overwhelming on most days.  Every day I write out all the things I want to accomplish, and there is always a chunk of the list that I don’t get to.  This ultimately winds up going on the next day’s list. 

The problem I realized, is that picking up the dry cleaning and cleaning out my closet, has the same priority as working on my greeting cards and exercising.  I found that the things that were important to me were never getting done.  And every day I would tell myself that I was going to make time for the “important things,” but somehow they would be pushed off to the next day and the day after that.  There was no clear focus with my to-do list.  No clear plan for my life. 

Now to the good stuff.  I had to list major life areas that are important to me. 

In no particular order:  Relationships and Family, Personal Growth, Health and Wellbeing, Education and Learning, Financial Well Being, Creative Work, Spiritual Growth, Living Environment

All of these areas make up a nice little pie chart.  I could see how unbalanced my life was. For each life area, I had to give a rating out of 100 of how fulfilled I felt in each area. 75% was my highest, 20% my lowest.  In order to live a balanced and fulfilling life, I have my work cut out for me.

Now for the fun part.  I had to brainstorm the feelings I want to feel.  What do I want to accomplish?  What state of mind would I like to have every day?

Here’s my list:  Accomplished, motivated, inspiration, love unleashed, fulfillment, organized, passionate, vibrant, fit, peaceful, rested, excited, abundance, free, adventure, hope, prosperity, authentic, excited, acceptance, stress-free, sexy, fun.

So let’s break this down, shall we?

 What is my first goal?

 My goal is to lose those ten pounds in two months time for once and for all and to firm up the not so firm parts of my body.

 What are the reasons for achieving this goal?

1-   I want to feel fit and healthy.

2-   I want to have acceptance for myself and my body.

3-   I want to end the battle of not having anything to wear, because everything will fit again and look great!

4-   I want to feel and look great in a bikini.

5-   I want to have a smaller ass than my husband (it’s only fair).

 The part of my pie chart that I am filling is the Health and Wellbeing section.

 Here are my actions I am going to take:

1-   I will walk for at least thirty minutes 3 times a week.  I will not use the baby or cold weather as an excuse.

2-   I will do my pilates dvd 3 times a week.  

3-   I will use my stepper every day even if it’s only for 5 minutes.  The point is to get into the habit of using it!

4-   Start going to yoga class again.

5-   Drink more water

6-   Instead of two take-out nights, lose one night and cook a new healthy meal for the family.

7-   Do lunges and other butt exercises 3 times a week.

8-   I will eat healthier, which means less junk food and chocolate and more fruits and vegetables. 

9-  I will weigh myself once a week to chart progress

10- I will remind myself each day of what is on this list and that I deserve to look and feel great.  I will also review why losing the weight is important.

The reason why I will accomplish this goal is because I am more present as to why losing ten pounds is important to me.  It’s not just a vague resolution to lose weight.  Writing out the reasons and actions really inspire me.  I feel motivated and passionate about doing it. 

At least once a week I will revisit this list so I can stay focused and motivated.  I will visualize how I will feel and what I will look like after I lose the ten pounds.  I will be gentle on myself.  I am giving myself two months to lose the weight.  All too often, I want to see results right away, and when I don’t, I get frustrated, and lose motivation.  I will update the website that I have with my sister to chart my progress.  No more procrastinating.  Now is the time to make a change in my life for the better.  Tomorrow.  I will start all of this tomorrow.